5 things UC Berkeley should spend our tuition money on
Our tuition money is working hard, but Oski is working harder. From free textbooks to free printing, there’s a laundry list of things that you’ve probably already thought our tuition should cover. Housing all four years? Yes please. Even though UC Berkeley doesn’t spend money on giving us all free boba, we can agree that the following five things would likely be a better use of our tuition than funding our education. After all, who even comes to the No. 1 public university in the world to learn? Nerds, probably.
Imagine if you had an Oski with you wherever you went. Grabbing a disappointing burrito from GBC? Oski is there. Trying to find a seat in Moffitt? Oski is there. Taking a shower in the dingy dorm bathrooms? Oski is there. He’s always there, for everyone. UC Berkeley should use our tuition money to fund Oskis for each student. But don’t ask us how the logistics of this would work; we’re not EECS majors. Sure this won’t help the existing housing crisis, but with an Oski by your side 24/7, who could complain?
You thought one Campanile was great, but now there could be two! Just picture it: You have ten minutes to get from the Valley Life Sciences Building to Latimer Hall. Luckily, Oski answered your prayers! That uphill hike has become less daunting with a zipline that goes from the old Campanile to a new Campanile on the western end of campus. Say goodbye to Google Maps and hello to “Yeah, it’s by the Campanile. No, not that one. That one.”
What could be better than one iconic Crossroads dining hall? Two. UC Berkeley should fund the construction of another dining hall. It’s the year of saying, “Hell yeah” to stale pizza, dry salad and small portions in more than just one dining hall! While Brown’s and Clark Kerr are supposedly better than Croads, there’s no way Stanford could compete with us if we had two Crossroads dining halls. Go Bears!
Getting rid of a floor in Moffitt Library
The seating crisis in Moffitt? Old news. Frantic econ majors and frazzled CS kids spend more time trying to find a spot in Moffitt than they do actually studying. The solution? Get rid of the fifth floor. Sounds counterintuitive, but hear me out. Without the fifth floor, students will automatically assume there’s no seating in Moffitt, leaving open seats for the rest of us. Maybe this isn’t a foolproof plan, but it’s better than spending all that money on our education. Education shmeducation.
Paying the 51B drivers to go even slower
The 51B will inevitably be late. “Running on schedule” is like a four-letter word; saying it too loud might scare them away. Even so, UC Berkeley should pay the 51B bus drivers to drive slower. Make full use of Berkeley time and never worry about missing the bus — it’s not coming for another hour.
This is the future the liberals want, and we’re just here to tell UC Berkeley what’s what. Call us a representative of the people, if you will.